And Yes Ladies, He's Single


I don’t often cook properly, so when I do I… Well, I get inordinately pleased with myself.

I’m house-sitting at the moment, which means I have some time on my hands and a decent kitchen at my disposal. Normally I can never be bothered to cook for one and, like old photographs, only bring out the culinary skills when I have guests. But if I’m going to be here for a week or more I need to get into good habits. I don’t want to wind up eating out of tins. At least not directly.


A lot of vegetables in the fridge that were not going to look appetising for much longer. (That cucumber in fact needed CPR.) So stir fry! I used to be notorious for these, but nowadays don’t even possess a wok. There’s one here though.

Ingredients: Carrots, cucumber, scallions, broad beans from the local organic farm, and Unnamed Fish. I’m not clear what it is because I bought a special-offer lot of mixed frozen fishes. Probably plaice.

Herbs: None, and certainly no spices. Just soy sauce and olive oil in the cooking.

Directions: Chop up, make hot and slap about.

Results: Nice.





“Nice.” Jesus. I’m never going to make it as a food critic, am I?





Ice Cream Tuesdae

Girl in cow costume promoting Free Cone Day ou...
Free ice cream if you’re hallucinating

Huh. There’s a “reduced fat” version of Ben & Jerry’s ice cream. I supposed if you made bullets with blunter tips, you could sell them as “reduced lethality”.

This insight brought to you by the fact that I’m still sick as a boiled slug. I am not a fan of the B&J product. It is, let’s face it, more or less frozen sugar. But I am craving sweet things and loading up on calories makes sense to me. I reckon if you’re running a temperature all day, you need to fuel it. So this is fever food.

Or wait, are you meant to starve a fever? In that case it’s cold food. It’s OK, I have both.

It’s all rather confusing. I’m staying at my mother’s place and she’s having double glazing put in. I wake up this morning, all the windows are gone. I go back to bed. Wake up again a bit later, the windows are back. Fine. It’s some time before it’s explained to me that this wasn’t just a weird dream.

Eggs At Eleven

Praise me, for I labour to advance the breakfast!

Of all things today, a recipe.

Eggs At Eleven

– An ideal breakfast for a day off –

Ingredients: Butter, milk, mushrooms, eggs, ham, bread for toast.
Time: About 15 minutes.
Serves: One to two.

  • Take a small saucepan and gently melt a largish knob of butter.
  • Add milk to cover bottom to about 1cm (½”) and, stirring all the while, bring to a slow simmer.
  • Throw in a little pepper and salt if you want.
  • Break up and drop in about five or six mushrooms.
  • Simmer mushrooms in the milk for a few minutes, being sure not to let it boil.
  • Chop four or five slices of ham up small and stir in.
  • Gently break in two or three eggs, without bursting the yolks if you can.
  • Now would be a good time to put your toast on.
  • When the white has mostly turned white, turn the heat down very low and stir in the egg yolks.
  • Continue to cook, stirring very frequently, until the egg looks almost done.
  • Take off heat and stir some more, eggs will continue to set.
  • Butter toast and cut into bite-size pieces. Put on plate.
  • Dump the good stuff on top.
  • Pour some water in the pan. You won’t regret that later.
  • Serve, preferably in bed, preferably to someone you like.