A friend was testing rude words on her Blackberry yesterday. As you do. Turns out it’s incredibly straight-laced. I won’t list all the ones she tried in case it flips your net-nanny software into Clean Out Hard Drive With Soap mode, but its spellcheck rejected everything from, well, whatever is the rudest word you can think of, through to ones as inoffensive – nay, pleasant – as clitoris and even orgasm.
It abhorred sodomy, refused fellatio, swooned at cunnilingus. Weirdly though, it did allow penis and vagina. So it isn’t that you’re not allowed to talk about sex on your Blackberry. It’s just that you’re only allowed to discuss nice, polite, clinical sex such as two married school principals might have one Saturday morning a month. Brr.
It’s stranger still when you consider that one of the main selling points of the Blackberry is encryption. You can have an absolutely private conversation on it, yet you’re discouraged from talking about private things. I’d call it a prude, except it doesn’t recognise the word “prude” either. This is getting Orwellian. So I’m never buying one. There are few things I enjoy more than a frank exchange of views with an enthusiastic correspondent, but what good is that if we’re not allowed orgasms?
I’m going to teach the Research In Motion company a lesson. I’ll launch a rival product that not only allows rude words, but positively encourages them, offering juicy alternatives if ever your profanity is lacking in honest earthiness. When you type “ass” it’ll prompt you to augment it with perfect, perky, priceless or peachy. Instead of plain “tits” it will suggest “round-ripe, irresistible breasts”.
It will of course be called the Blueberry.