Humour Politics Technology

Newts In Space!

The large external gills of the crested newt
Space Newt

And as the special free-gift-inside part of his Presidential nomination bid, arch-conservative Newt Gingrich has decided that we can all go to the moon. There will, he says, be a permanent US base there – by the end of his second term.

It’s great to have ambitions, isn’t it? It’s great especially to invest in technology and humanity’s future, to discover, to spurn the surly bonds of Earth and so on. Yes, these are great things.

But what is also good is having a President who isn’t out of his ****ing mind.

Constructing a base on the moon would be, by far, the greatest material undertaking ever attempted by humans, requiring many lunar missions just to ferry up enough materials and equipment. Essentially it’s the same problem as building the International Space Station all over again. Remember how long that took? Only it will have to be considerably larger and safer because missions there will be many times more expensive and therefore infrequent. And before that construction can even begin, they need a spacecraft. Something capable of carrying a far greater payload than the Apollo/Saturn vehicle of the 60s will have to be designed, built and tested. All while America doesn’t appear to be drowning in unneeded cash.

And all, unless Gingrich has some secret plan to usurp the constitution – “My Presidency ends when I’m on the Moooooon!” – within eight years. That’s nuts. It’s just crazy stuff he’s saying because he’s getting desperate. Or possibly, desperate stuff he’s saying because he’s going crazy.

Yet I hope he wins the nomination. That way, the next US Presidential election will be between Obama and him – which is the closest we’re ever going to get to straight Good versus Evil. And as war between good and evil is a sign of the End Times, it will herald the return of Christ – whereupon all the Christian Fundamentalists will discover they’re on the wrong side. Which will be a laugh.


Trickster Idiots

Slotted Spoon
A Complicated Spoon

Some email scamming attempts are so idiotic, you wonder who is ever taken in by them. And then a rather sad vision appears, of the Internet as a place where even a scammer who is no mental marvel can succeed, because they find victims who are well into needs-spoons-explained territory. You want to go out and find the dumb people who are taking advantage of the even-dumber, and mete out terrible if partially mitigated punishment.

But all you can do is make fun of them. Here then, straight  from my personal in-box, are some Stupid Scammers:

“I have been diagnosed with esophageal cancer. It has defiled all forms of medical treatment”

That is some mean disease.

Subject line: “Your Email Please.”

I could have sworn I gave it to you.

A file attachment named “Please kindly open this file attachment”.

I admit, I was tempted by the Alice in Wonderland approach. But is was an odd file type so I couldn’t.

More inches in your pants, less steps to success.

Leg-extension spam, I hate it.

We produce the cheapest and the best watches

Best, cheap, and watch. Choose two.

Add Bahcelors, Masetrs or Dcotorate Dergees to your resume

You think that’s just to get around spam filters, but I ended up with a degree from TIM.

Dear Friend, I’ve teamed up with Citizens United, Newt Gingrich, Ann Coulter, Fred Barnes and a bunch of other good people to do a film entitled Battle for America.

I don’t know you anymore.

By having a beautiful luxury designer replica watch, your girlfriend will be surely inclined towards you at once. All of a sudden, natural feelings of love, peace, comfort, romance, and sex will be restored again between you and your girlfriend for long time

You seem to be confusing my girlfriend with some sort of hooker.

“i am far from attributing any part of mr. bingley’s conduct to design,” said elizabeth; “but conclude will be the case, you send me full powers to act in your name throughout the whole of this

The classic “Jane Austen hustle”.

This is my new address. Here you may email me about what food I am going to have later that day. I can also give you updates on senior staff meetings and let you know what is getting in the way of my sleep routine. Thank you for cleaning out my poohouse today – I am very grateful to have clean gravel. Yowl, Mrs S

I’m really not sure if this is a scam at all, or just an email I got by mistake. From a cat with a job.

When was the last time you were abel to discover a High Profile Hollywood production company on the ground floor?

One day it might be as big as Univresal or Wanrer.

Are you currently paying too much on your monthly payments?

No actually. Quite the opposite problem.

Please, I urge you to make this transaction confidentiality within your mind for security purposes.

How do you know my mind is secure?

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