A house divided against itself cannot stand Christmas.
Brevity is the soul of wit generally speaking.
If music be the food of love, play on this pork piccolo.
To travel hopefully is a better thing than to arrive on time.
‘Tis better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved a tall Swedish woman.
A cat may look at a king cobra, albeit briefly.
It’s no use locking the stable door after the horse has bolted it.
Too many cooks spoil the broth; ideally, broth should contain no cooks at all.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away but attracts fruitbats.
You can’t teach an old dog new tricks except ‘play dead’.
Genius is one percent inspiration, ninety-nine percent perspiration, three percent error.
It takes a thief to catch a thief disease.
Life begins at forty, according to new sentencing guidelines.
Flattery will get you nowhere, sexyboots.
It is better to give than to receive anal.
If you pay peanuts, you get monkeys to do your bidding. Cool.
Actions speak louder than words, especially if that action is ‘yelling’.
One man’s meat is another man’s poison, which is half the fun of fugu fish.
Spare the rod and spoil the child, if the child requires major spine surgery.
The rain falls on the just and the unjust alike, but the unjust have your umbrella.
Children should be seen and not herded onto trucks.
There are none so blind as those that will not see, nor deaf as will not hear, nor anosmic as will not smell.
Do unto others as you would have them do unto you is no defence in a sexual harassment case.
A drowning man will clutch at a straw, but throw him a lifebelt you bastards it’s not funny.
All’s fair in love and war and Grand Theft Auto.
Do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing, it gets jealous.
One man’s junk is another man’s treasure, so ask strange men to help you bury your junk.
The boy is father to the man in parts of West Virginia.
